the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
