At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish you could order shots online.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
