even my farts smell like vagina
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
