My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
