He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
