The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
