Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
