Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
