just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Floor bacon is actually really good
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize