Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
