Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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