Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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