i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
