Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
