genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
