you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
