Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
