Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
