yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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