I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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