I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
