Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I got inside last night via doggy door
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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