I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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