foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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