he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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