OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
