If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
