apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We're too hungover to prance.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize