Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize