my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
