I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
