my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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