Princesses don't give blow jobs
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
