there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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