I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
