please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
