I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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