strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My ATM looks so different sober.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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