No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
