I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize