I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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