i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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