I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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