very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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