he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I am available for nakedness
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
