some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
