There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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