then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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