just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
