Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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