Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
