Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
