And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
