I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
