I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
