Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Randomize
