I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
