Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
