I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
